INT – OFFICE – DAY
TRIXIE, 27, with platinum-blonde, coiffed hair, sits in her bland-looking cubicle. She’s chewing gum, manicuring her fingernails, and humming a Beyoncé song.
The phone RINGS.
Helllooo? Oh, wait…
(picks up the phone)
Helllooo? Yes, this is Vermont Health Connect, my name is Trixie. We are your friendly health insurance exchange, always ready to serve you.
So you need insurance? Well, you’ve come to the right place, sir!
What? You HAVE insurance. Well, then why are you calling us? Oh, I see, you must have the wrong number. Nice talking to you. Have a good da-hay!
She hangs up and continues to lovingly polish her fingernails with a buffer, one by one.
This little piggy went to the Nicki Minaj concert… and this little piggy stayed home because it couldn’t get a backstage pass.
This little piggy wanted a slab of tofu but couldn’t find a Whole Foods store… and this little piggy…
The phone RINGS.
(sighs and picks up the phone)
Helllooo! Uh-huh… uh-huh… You’re saying you called before? I hung up on you? Oh, but sir, I would never…
So you’re calling for insurance? Oh, you already HAVE insurance! Well, in that case… OK, no, I’m not hanging up on you again.
So you would like to CHANGE your insurance plan?
OK, please give me the last four digits of your Social Security number…
(keeps buffing her nails; doesn’t write anything down)
…and your date of birth…
…uh-huh, yup, got it…
…and your first and last name…
…and your full address…
…and your shoe size…
Never mind, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.
OK, let me get into your file – just one moment…
She pushes a button on the phone. Then she holds up her hands and admires her fingernails, humming and chewing gum. After 10 seconds, she pushes the button again.
Sir? Are you still there? Sorry, but I just saw that there’s a K in your last name, so I’ll have to transfer you to a different customer service agent.
Yes, I know your last name doesn’t START with a K. But there’s a K SOMEWHERE in your last name, right?
Right, so please let me transfer you – it will only take one moment.
She pushes a button on the phone and lines up a row of nail polish bottles in front of her.
Hmmm… which one? I think I’m in a pink mood today…
She opens the hot-pink nail polish bottle.
TRIXIE in her cubicle, painting her fingernails.
SUPERIMPOSE: One hour later
This little piggy got a new pink coat…
…a new pink MINK coat…
…and this little piggy went to a fancy Italian restaurant… the Oh-leef Jardin.
The phone RINGS. She rolls her eyes and picks up the phone.
Helllooo! Vermont Health Connect, your friendly health insurance ex-
Pardon, sir? I can’t understand you when you’re yelling like that. What?
Oh, you’re saying I didn’t connect you to anyone at all? You were on the line for a whole hour, waiting for the other agent?
But sir, why didn’t you just hang up and call me back? I would have-
What? No, I can’t personally help you. You know, that “K in the name” thing. Also, today is TUESday, and on TUESdays, everyone with a date of birth that has a TWO in it…
That’s right. Yes, I will connect you right away, sir.
Your agent’s name is… um… Gertrude. She will be able to help you. Yes. You’re welcome, sir. Have a nice da-hay!
(pushes a button on the phone, giggles)
Ha, GERTRUDE! I like that one.
She continues painting her fingernails and chewing gum.
This little piggy sent nasty tweets to the Kardashians…
…and this little piggy put a stink bomb in Martha Stewart’s mailbox…
TRIXIE in her cubicle, feet up on her desk. Meanwhile, she has progressed to painting her toenails.
SUPERIMPOSE: Half an hour later
This little piggy wanted to grow super-long eyelashes, but the chemicals made its eyeballs dissolve.
This little piggy went to the pool and drowned in the shallow end…
The phone RINGS.
She puts down the nail polish and picks up the phone.
Helllooo! Oh, hello, sir, nice to hear from you again.
(holds the phone far away from her ear)
Sir, screaming won’t help… What? You’re saying I didn’t connect you to anyone – AGAIN? You mean Gertrude wasn’t at her desk? Did you leave a message?
(sniggers to herself)
What? You want to talk to my supervisor? Um, sure, just let me connect you. It’ll only take one moment. Hang on…
TRIXIE pushes a button on the phone and continues to paint her toenails.
TRIXIE in her cubicle, feet up on her desk, still painting her toenails.
SUPERIMPOSE: 10 minutes later
The phone RINGS. She picks up the phone.
Helllooo! Vermont Health Connect, your--
What, sir? Hold on, you’re not making any sense.
But of course there are other people working here. You don’t think I’m alone here, are you?
(stifles a laugh)
Is that one of those conspiracy theories?
The cubicle TRIXIE is sitting in suddenly starts emitting a reddish glow.
You’re saying we’re here to torture you? To drive you insane?
How could you even think that, sir!
Sir, what are you doing? That’s a very drastic step, sir. Surely you could talk to a professional who could help you.
She holds the phone away from her ear, and we hear a SHOT.
TRIXIE smiles and hangs up the phone. Her eyes have started glowing red. Her polished fingernails are long and sharp like talons.
(her voice now sounds demonic, like many voices speaking from far away)
This little piggy wanted health insurance, but couldn’t find anyone to talk to…
This little piggy killed himself… and now he’s MINE.
The creature starts laughing hysterically.
Copyright: Shannara Johnson, 2017.
(Note: The incorrect screenplay formatting is due to the limitations of my blog software.)
(Second note and disclaimer: Not everyone at Vermont Health Connect is an idiot or evil. Just 99% of them.)